Prank Wars Read online

  I patted her back more firmly this time, trying hard to think. “Yeah, yeah, that poor dear thing,” but I didn’t mean it. “He never told you that he wouldn’t date anymore though, did he?”

  Kim looked confused. “No…not exactly?”

  “So, even if he isn’t ready to grow up to be a man like he says he isn’t…when he’s tired of living the life of a monk then he’ll go break some other girl’s heart? Is that what I’m getting from this?” I tried to stay calm.

  “Oh no!” Kim’s eyes were bright as she defended the man who had just ripped her in two. “He would never do that!”

  We made it across the street and were almost to the steps of our apartment complex when I turned to her. It was time she knew the truth about Cameron. It was the only way she could move on, but before I could open my mouth, a red streak jumped out at us from the railing. “Madeleine! Guess what? Cameron broke up with Kim!”

  Kim jumped back about ten feet, but I took it as a matter of course. It was only Victoria. She had red hair that flared out like a flame over her shoulders and a slight build that made it easy to hide from the enemy. We called her Tory for short. It made her sound like the soldier she was. Unlike the other poor girls in our ward, we didn’t make fools of ourselves in the dating scene. Anymore. That didn’t stop us from making a fool of ourselves elsewhere...however.

  I shrugged at Kim. “News travels fast around here, I guess.”

  Chapter Two

  Day 47

  1410 hours

  “The Battle of the Sexes. It’s not for crying little girls. We’ve learned that the hard way. Don’t think we haven’t had our deserters, our POWs, our casualties, but no one can break or the worst will happen...the guys could win.”

  —Madeleine’s War Journal Entry (Friday, April 1st).

  “Oh.” Tory tucked her hair behind her ear when she saw Kim. “Didn’t see you. Sorry.”

  Kim just shrugged through her tears and I hugged her again. I wasn’t sure how to put her back together, especially since it had grown so hard to feel anything myself. “Are you going to be okay?” I asked her.

  Sniffing, she nodded. “Yeah…if Cameron… well, maybe he’ll date again…when…when he feels ready…he might.” She took a steadying breath and I recognized that noble look in her eyes. I had it for about two days before I found out the truth. “And I want him to…to move on, and take chances with his heart.”

  I shook my head. Yeah, I couldn’t take it anymore. How come I had to be the one who told the girls that chick flicks didn’t exist? But it was for the best. “Wow. I can’t believe he got you to buy that pathetic line? When—and I’m not saying if—I’m saying when he proves he’s a liar, he will still have your support? He’s good.”

  “Oh, c’mon, Madeleine.”

  “You don’t think Madeleine’s right?” Tory’s freckles stood out on her flushed face. In a different, more peaceful world, she’d be a heart-breaker. Now she looked like a punk in her red Power Ranger’s shirt, long black Chuck Taylor boots, and gray jeans.

  “I just wasn’t everything he needed.” Kim’s voice broke.

  “Kim.” I wasn’t sure how to explain this to a person who thought everyone was as nice as she was. “He’s a kid in a candy store. He uses girls for a high and throws them out when he hits the low.” She stared back at me with big innocent eyes that didn’t blink. “Think about all his exes and all the things he said about them?” I said. “He’s going to say the same things about you—only personalized. His new girl is an ocean while you’re some measly little river! Remember that sweet, romantic country song? Now you’re on the other end. You’re the ex who just wasn’t good enough because he got bored!”

  She gulped, her face white. I’m sure she remembered everything he had said about me.

  I shrugged. “Hey, it could be worse. At least you’re not a filthy old puddle like I am. I give Cameron two days tops before you won’t even cross his mind. And if you do, you’re that annoying little bug that eats away at his conscience and reminds him what a creep he is.” She gasped, and I tried not to let her pain stop me from telling her the truth. Only cold reality would save her from endless nights of crying for a guy who didn’t deserve her tears. “He’s tired of you—not because of some tragic flaw or event in his past that keeps him from truly loving you. No—because he’s a loser.”

  “But…but he broke up with me,” Kim’s voice was desperate and for a moment I felt bad. I just wished I could find her a good guy and fast, but she had to learn to be strong on her own. “How could he blame me?” she said.

  I lifted a shoulder. “He’ll find something against you. You trapped him. You talked too much. You wore your hair funny. You were too nice, too boring, too loud. You were too eager to please, your forehead’s sweaty. Pretty good reasons, don’t you think?”

  “No.” She followed me into my apartment. Tory took up the rear. We ran up the stairs until we reached my apartment on the top floor.

  “Agreed,” I said. “So, let’s give him a really good reason to dislike you, shall we?” My mischievous streak was taking over. “I mean, the guy needs a reason, something to ease his conscience. Let’s make this break-up easy on him, poor thing.”

  Kim’s lips twisted at the completely ludicrous suggestion. “And what reason could we possibly give him, Madeleine?”

  I slammed our front door decisively, making both Kim and Tory jump. “Tell him it was a wager.”

  “A what?” Kim asked.

  I gave her an impish smile and headed for my room, passing our worn green striped couches on my way into the hall. Kim and Tory followed me like I was the Pied Piper. “Tell him that you never wanted to date him in the first place, but the only reason you did was because we made a bet that he would fall for you like some kind of fool. Tell him that we were laughing behind his back the entire time.” Kim gasped. “It’ll be good for him,” I reassured her with a pat on the shoulder. “Like shock therapy. He’ll think twice before he tangles with us girls again.”

  Kim looked confused and Tory and I broke into mischievous laughs. It was contagious and soon, Kim was laughing uncertainly along with us. She still wore a puzzled expression, but at least we cheered her up. “Oh, c’mon, that’s crazy.” She flopped on my bed, pulling a throw pillow to her stomach. “I could just imagine. I wish…” She giggled again. “Oh, you are too funny. You girls!”

  “Funny?” I stopped laughing. “No, I’m dead serious. Do it.” I sat down at the plotting tables—uh, I’ll explain those later—and opened up my laptop at my desk to pull up Facebook. We all knew that Cameron received Facebook notifications religiously on his phone. I pulled up his account and wrote on his wall. “I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather. I hope he feels better soon.”

  “What are you doing?” Kim asked. Tory smiled cruelly. She knew exactly what I was doing.

  “One,” I counted, “two…three.” Kim watched me like I was crazy, but as soon as I counted thirty seconds, I refreshed Cameron’s page and miraculously my comment had been erased. “Hmm? Why doesn’t Cameron want his friends and family to see that his grandfather’s under the weather? Could it be that…?”

  “…he’s not?” Tory finished for me. Kim’s tears had magically dried up. She glanced over at Tory, who lifted a brow. “Tell him it was a wager.” She flopped next to Kim on the bed. Now there was a devil on each of Kim’s shoulders—no angel in sight.

  After a moment of gauging our expressions to see if we were serious, Kim decided we weren’t and threw her head back. Strangely enough, she was giggling. Her long chestnut hair bounced with her. “Oh, you girls! Thanks for making me feel better. You’re right. I can’t believe I didn’t see it, but…but dumping me was the biggest favor Cameron has ever done for me. If…if…he was playing with me from the beginning then I’m sorry he ever asked me out in the first place.” She slid off the bed, looking strong. “He’s not worth crying about. I’m not some measly river…or a filthy puddle—in your case Madelei
ne!”

  She left my room with a girl-power spring to her step. Obviously she didn’t take us as seriously as we took ourselves. She hesitated at the door. Her expression changed when she looked at me. “You know, I always thought you were the meanest girl in the ward, Madeleine, but you’re just a fake, aren’t you? You do have a heart.”

  Was that a compliment? I wasn’t sure, but at least Kim’s tears were gone. They’d be back once Kim started remembering the good things about him. We had to make sure that didn’t happen. I waited for the door to close behind her. “We’ll spread the rumor tonight.”

  Tory nodded, expecting nothing less. “Very good, captain.” She was enjoying this. I couldn’t expect her to take any of this seriously. She had never experienced a player firsthand. She never dated—ever. I supposed it was better than a broken heart. “It’s a double-break-up-weekend too,” she told me in shocked tones. “AmyLee’s boyfriend broke up with her this morning!”

  “Is that an April Fool’s joke?”

  “Nope.”

  That meant the fifth break-up in our apartment complex this week. This one wasn’t too much of a surprise. AmyLee’s latest boyfriend was a snake. His hand was on AmyLee’s, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off the other girls in the room. Every time his eyes rested on me, I treated him to the evil eye—it was my latest scar from this battle of the sexes. “Why did he break it off?”

  “We’ll find out, I’m sure,” Tory said.

  AmyLee was a drama queen. She wouldn’t rest until we knew every sordid detail, especially since our apartment was quickly turning into group therapy for the heartbroken. Everyone knew where my sympathies lay; they were never with the male. “He probably wasn’t ready for a relationship either,” I drawled. “It’s growing into quite an epidemic.” I pulled my pen from my dark hair. It fell past my shoulders in a messy tangle and I ignored it, rolling the pen between my fingers. “We live among the most scared men in the world, my friend.”

  I wasn’t sure if it was a college thing, a twenty-something thing or even just a guy thing, but where were the manly men? The gentlemen? The men of honor? All over if my mom could be believed. The problem was that if they were manly, they were players. If they were gentlemen, they were scared. And if they were men of honor? They weren’t interested in me. And if they were all three? They were taken. Seriously, did we all have to fight for Captain Moroni in the next life? I didn’t know one girl who hadn’t called dibs on him. It was a cat-fight in the making.

  “You think these guys are scared?” Tory asked. “Or just playing?”

  I shrugged, trying not to think of him…and then him…and oh yeah, most especially him. Yep, Cameron was the straw that broke me. It was humiliating that it had taken so many breakups to know it was stupid to believe I could ever have a healthy relationship.

  The door opened and my roommate’s head poked into the room. Tory and I jumped guiltily when we saw Lizzie’s face. She always wore celestial white. Today she wore matching pearls in her ears. They made a great contrast against her dark skin. I tried not to look like I was stirring up trouble. “Hey Lizzie.”

  Lizzie nodded with the dignified air of an Ethiopian princess. Well, not really Ethiopian—her dad was from Nigeria and her mom was from Washington, but she looked exotic enough. “You’re not holding another of those war meetings again, are you?” she reproached. I tried not to look guilty, but to be honest, I wasn’t sure how. I knew that Lizzie did. That’s why I had offered her the position as my second-in-command in this war, but she refused to take the honor. “Don’t you have to get to class?” she asked.

  “I’m skipping it,” I decided on the spot. It was a business class anyway. My business major was one of the many casualties of my break-up with Cameron. There was no way I wanted to pick out happy brides’ wedding cakes when I wouldn’t have one of my own. Two weeks ago, I nixed wedding coordinator and switched to General Studies, which meant I had only one year left of BYU before I was out. I was too old to be here anyway. I started school late, switched my major too many times. And now I was twenty-six. Already, I felt like a spinster.

  “Enough is enough,” Lizzie said. “You’ve got to stop these Break-up Anonymous Meetings! First Johanna, then Emily…and now Kim? You’re not helping them!”

  “What are you talking—?” It was best to plead stupid, but before I could, in stormed AmyLee in tight leggings and boots. I was glad her wrath wasn’t directed at me, but at a supposedly stronger man. She was yet another girl in our apartment complex in need of a battle plan against her ex. I ignored Lizzie’s accusing look and indicated a chair. “Sit down, AmyLee.”

  “I’d rather stand.”

  Lizzie leaned on the door frame. “Your methods are unhealthy, Madeleine.”

  “Look, Lizzie,” I whispered loudly. “There’s only one way to get over a man, see him for what he really is. Just consider this my little service project for the Relief Society.”

  “Can you believe that jerk?” AmyLee interrupted us with a shout. I turned to our latest dumpee. “He just wants to be friends.”

  “And what’s wrong with that?” a chipper voice called from the hallway. We groaned. It was another one of my roommates, a roommate that never seemed to be burned by men. If anyone did the burning, it was Kali. She danced, yes, danced into the room.

  “What’s wrong with that?” AmyLee repeated in a growl, directing all of her rage against the hapless Kali. “Did she just ask me what was wrong with that?”

  We all cringed a little bit, but Kali stood her ground proudly in her gladiator sandals. Think unrepentant China doll with dimples, lots of blonde curly hair, elegant cat eyes, a little rude, but with the best intentions in the world. When a guy wants to be friends with Kali, it means he wants to date her. But when a guy wants to just be friends with a girl like us say, well, we know we’re getting the runaround. I stepped protectively in front of the blonde and smiled calmly at AmyLee, redirecting her anger to the correct party. “Tell me what he did to you.”

  AmyLee laughed without humor. “Can we forget for a moment that I didn’t even know Brad was alive until two months ago? Then he started hounding me, asking me out, complimenting me, and making me feel— oh, crazy I know— like I was the most special girl in the world to him. And now, just when I get attached, really really attached, he wants to run?”

  I snickered; it was getting too predictable. AmyLee’s face got even redder at my unnatural reaction, and I shrugged. “He wants to play games, does he? Let’s play a game then. It’s called turn him up sweet and dump him on his face. I want cookies made, girls. Tender little notes. Steak.” They straightened, seeing I was serious.

  Tory’s nose wrinkled. “But who can do that?”

  “I don’t know. You’re the Relief Society, figure it out!” I kicked off my black and white plaid flats and paced the green shag carpet in my bare feet. Prank wars were my element, not pretending to have everything in common with a guy just to get a boyfriend. “First, we’ll make sure every girl in his acquaintance gives him the cold shoulder until he’s begging for a date. Then we sic our flirtiest, most beautiful gal pals on him, the ones without an ounce of human decency.” I glanced behind me at Kali. She was scratching the red polish off her nails. “Do you cook?” I asked her.

  She grimaced, still managing to look gorgeous through that nasty little look. “Are you joking?”

  “I can cook,” AmyLee managed to hiss through her anger.

  “Good. By the time we’re through with him, he’ll want a normal girl so bad that he’ll take another go at you…and when he does, simply remind him that you just want to be friends.”

  Her lips puckered. “But what if I don’t?”

  “Don’t worry. He does, but this time you’re the one who will be dumping him on his head. Do yourself a favor and get him where it hurts this time, will you?”

  “His heart?”

  “No, AmyLee, his ego.” I crossed my arms, full of all sorts of good deeds this morning. I was ea
ger for more. Maybe Kim was right. Maybe I wasn’t the meanest girl in the ward. It didn’t feel like it though. “Make sure it happens,” I told Tory.

  AmyLee sighed, but she left much calmer than she had entered. Usually the angry girls got over their men better than the broken-hearted ones did.

  As soon as she was gone, Lizzie pinned me down with her brown eyes. “Madeleine!” Her voice was stern as usual, and I didn’t take it as seriously as I should—also a usual occurrence. “This really isn’t the best way to handle this, you know.”

  I brushed my hair out of my face and managed an innocent smile. “I know.”

  “So, why are you doing this?” Tormenting men got my mind off them? It made me feel less like a victim? There was no wrath like a scorned woman? Habit? I wasn’t sure really.

  “Hey, where’s my Jell-O?” I heard the staccato sound of spiked heels on the kitchen floor and we all hunched over guiltily. Only one person made my heart quicken in fear. Sandra must be home. “Who took it?” The cabinet door slammed shut. “You know better than to mess with me. I will have your heads!”

  Uh oh. The Jell-O might’ve ended up in the guys’ toilets or maybe their shower heads. I wasn’t actually sure. We listened to Sandra’s heels catch on the gross shag carpet in the hall outside as she came for us. I had no idea why a classy dame like her even stooped to walk on such a floor, let alone rent it. It was anybody’s guess why she had signed the lease this last winter semester.

  “Lizzie!” Before Sandra could say, move it, Lizzie stepped aside, allowing Sandra to glare into my crowded room. Our roommate was a steely-eyed brunette, cold and gorgeous. She was way too classy for a college student and looked like she should be wrapped in a mink, not wearing skinny jeans. Everything Sandra wore was designer from her snakeskin heels to her baby doll shirt and Chanel bag. Her gaze went past a smirking Kali, a fiery-eyed Tory, and then straight for me. “What’s going on here?”