Prank Wars Page 7

  Everything he said was absolutely hilarious…uh, he being my ex-fiancé. Cameron even looked hilarious in a mint colored shirt. And yes, I am just being mean, but he started it. What made Cameron think it would be a great idea to move into my ward after the break-up? We had the cheapest housing in Provo, but who does that? It only proved he was a lowdown and mean.

  Kali hit Cameron, and he playfully hit her back. Then she hit him, and then he hit her. Her peasant skirt fluttered sassily. I sighed, excusing her. There is an unwritten rule for roommates not to flirt with their roommate’s significant ex, especially when that roommate was in the same room, but Kali was too in denial to know it referred to her. She wasn’t flirting, she was being his friend.

  Cameron, on the other hand, was an entirely different story. He knew exactly what he was doing to me. His eyes slanted my direction then quickly darted away when he noted I was in the room. His flirtatious teasing got louder. Ever since he broke up with me, he had been adding new girls to his Facebook daily. And these were the kinds that put glamor shots on their profiles. AmyLee tugged Cameron forward by his burnt-orange fat tie, chattering like a chipmunk.

  I turned on the heel of my boots, trying to escape—and got caught by President Wilkes. He always tried to make sure I knew how wonderful I was. Probably because he saw how successful Cameron was at the flirting game and how unsuccessful I was. He grabbed my hand to shake it. “How is my favorite girl? You are so great. Do you know that?” Yes, yes, I had heard it already, but I knew the truth and just wanted to escape the room. I nodded, so he wouldn’t know I was falling apart. Kali twisted the big turquoise ring on her hand while she listened intently to Cameron. I tried to block them out, but when I couldn’t see him, he just made himself louder. So did the girls around him.

  I thought I had been a good girlfriend. In fact, I had been nicer than I had ever been in my entire life. Talk about exhausting. And this is how the guy repaid me? He was through with me, so be through with me already. The glass doors were so close, within spitting distance, but I was stuck here by my hand. The stake president shook it meaningfully, peering into my eyes. I hoped he wouldn’t find anything too disturbing there. “It’s so nice to see you. You seem to be holding up well.”

  Yes, after the incident. I grimaced. President Wilkes had my back, which normally I could appreciate if I hadn’t been stuck in the middle of this flirt fest. If Tory were around, she would create a diversion to help me slip by unnoticed, but I didn’t see her agitated red head anywhere. I caught a glimpse of Lizzie. She had kicked off her Mary-Janes and was dutifully cleaning up after the Relief Society in the side room.

  “Now I suppose you heard about our program to help you kids start meeting new people?” President Wilkes asked.

  I nodded. “Yeah, boyfriend for a week. Sounds a little…uh…interesting.”

  “Now, don’t worry. It’s nothing too serious. We just want the guys to take the girls out, show the girls around town, be gentlemen. And if the girls could show them that they’re not…all that scary,” he laughed, “we could establish some good dating habits in this stake. I would really appreciate your support in this.”

  I gulped. If I asked, ‘in what way,’ I’d be signed up for boyfriend-for-a-week before we could unclasp hands. If I just nodded and said, ‘Yes, of course,’ which was my plan then he’d never know exactly how I planned to support this and I’d be home free. “Yes, of course,” I said.

  President Wilkes let me go. He patted me on the back for good measure. “I sure do appreciate you. Whether you know it or not, you’re a leader in this ward. The others really look up to you. You’re a good example.”

  “Thanks.” I turned, feeling a little guilty, and resolved to sign up for the next service project…just not this one. Judging by the sounds of laughter, Cameron was to my left. I took the safest route to the door through the crowd of guys who didn’t know I existed, past the chattering girls. I waved goodbye to Lizzie who didn’t see me and stopped short, not believing who stood in front of the door. Nope. Eric. The beautiful blond from the night before.

  I was in a lot of guys’ black books lately, but I had really made a fool of myself in front of this one. How did I not notice Eric was in my ward? He was beautiful. He wore a sweater vest, looking like a hot Mr. Rogers. He seemed taller than last night, but that was probably because that leering scary Dune guy wasn’t around. A quick sweeping glance assured me Dune guy wasn’t in our ward too.

  I tried to retreat, but too late, Eric saw me. I changed directions almost like a dance, heading for him again so he wouldn’t guess I was a baby. Eric’s face took on a wary expression. I hadn’t been the sanest person last night. Braving a smile, I tried to scrape past him through the door. “Hey Eric.” I was proud of how casual I sounded. “Uh, sorry about accusing you of stealing.” He didn’t answer back and I met his eyes. “It’s just that it wouldn’t be the first time that…our uh friend, Byron sent others to do his dirty work. One time these girls told us they saw something creepy outside.” Now I knew I was babbling. “They were just trying to get us to leave our apartment, so—”

  “Wait.” He was smiling faintly. “So you’re saying that these girls like this Byron jerk, so they help him flirt with you?”

  My forehead wrinkled at Eric. Fascinating. He was actually very perceptive. Sort of. “Um, no. He’s not flirting,” I corrected. No, that was the one thing I liked about Byron. We understood each other. I stepped outside into the overcast world, and Eric followed me. “I’m not flirting either,” I said. “You can catch a man that way, you know.”

  Eric surprised me by laughing. “You look so dark and mysterious, and then you open your mouth and it’s gone.”

  Was that an insult or…? I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, since I accused him of being a spy last night. “Thank you.”

  His eyes danced. “No, it’s just that you’re very unexpected.” I frowned and he grabbed my arm reassuringly. His warmth sent happy shivers through me. “Actually, I think you’re perfect. It’s like watching a movie.”

  I wasn’t sure how to take that, but I felt I owed him a second chance, a million chances actually, since I had misjudged him—or maybe because I felt some strange attraction to him. It meant I should probably end this conversation before I looked even stupider. “Well, until the next exciting adventure.” I pulled away and bounded down the stairs.

  “When will that be?”

  “You never know.” I realized I was moon walking in my attempt not to look like I was running away. “The craziest things happen around here.”

  He smiled, a real nice guy smile, and it threw me off. “I’ll remember that the next time I visit.”

  “Sandra would like that,” I shouted out to him. It was important to put some distance between us. Naming the competition always did that. His eyes didn’t leave mine, and I twisted away to break the contact.

  “What about you?” he asked suddenly.

  My mouth flopped open. Treat a guy like he had the plague and…and...was he actually being nice to me? The glass door next to Eric opened and Cameron piled through with a few women on each arm. No exaggeration. Cameron sidestepped me like I was a pebble on the ground, not even dignifying my presence with a nod. I couldn’t help but see the difference. Treat a guy like an all-star and he kicked you to the gutter.

  Eric followed my gaze to Cameron. Maybe he was a spy. He was certainly observant. Eric’s mouth curled up as if guessing my dilemma. If I left him now, I would be trailing Cameron down the hill. I took a step towards Eric, not sure if it was the right decision.

  Tory came out of nowhere, a bright spot in a colorful retro dress. “I thought I’d never catch you.” She pushed the threatening letter into my hand from the night before. Her face was flushed from running. “No luck, Captain. I did a thorough handwriting analysis. I checked every guy’s signature in the ward. No one matched up.”

  “Every guys’?”

  Tory glanced up at Eric’s question and
her eyes narrowed. I flushed. It was one thing acting like a deranged psychopath, quite another getting caught. Tory teetered on the toes of her orange flats. “No, not every guys’ handwriting.”

  “This is Eric,” I told her. Tory nodded. The suspicion in her expression didn’t change. Before she demanded a handwriting sample...or his fingerprints, I intervened, “Don’t worry Tory, he’s not our guy.”

  Eric grinned widely now and I cursed myself for coming back to him so he could witness my movie-like behavior. My cell phone went off, but instead of the familiar ringtone, I’m too Sexy came on. It had to be Byron’s doing. A genuine smile curved my lips. Byron was on the other line. Well, it was his roommate’s phone. He knew better than to call us with his own. Everyone knew I had Unmask on my cell. It was just like trapcall, but a million times better. It was essential for prank wars and unblocked any blocked call or private number. Byron was onto me though. Ever since he upgraded to an iPhone, he fastidiously refused to let his number fall into enemy hands. My only hope was stealing his number from some girl’s contact list. I flipped open my pink camouflage cell, and answered his call.

  “What?” He knew exactly what.

  “Move your stupid car.”

  I smiled. “What’s the matter? You can’t get out? Too bad, Byron. Learn how to un-parallel park.”

  Chapter Seven

  Day 105

  2102 hours

  “The debates rage around me as we stand over the plotting tables, ready to launch another attack. I’m not talking about Anbesol on toothbrushes to make your mouth numb and Methylene blue. We were beyond that. Long gone were the days of waking up with fake snakes, cold pop cans, and powdered sugar hidden in our beds, except now we were out of ideas.”

  —Madeleine’s War Journal Entry (Monday, May 28th).

  “How about we toilet paper them?” Kali suggested.

  “Really? Did you really just say toilet paper them?” I paced, my hands resting on my black yoga pants. This wasn’t the usual Monday night activity after FHE, but since the guys’ assault on us over the weekend; we were in a state of emergency. “That’s so…normal.”

  Kali munched on a huge bar of chocolate, lounging on a green striped couch. It was the exact duplicate of our own next door, except cleaner.

  After Lizzie declared the apartment next door empty, we claimed it as our headquarters. Sandra wanted us out of her hair, and I wanted out of her hair. The only one who had a problem with the new headquarters was…yup, Lizzie. She took a deep breath, staring out the window just waiting for us to get caught. The guys would never suspect where we were hiding if she didn’t keep fiddling with the curtain. “I shouldn’t have told you that no one lives here,” she said. “We could get in trouble for this.”

  I didn’t look at her. “No way. Mike gave us the keys for a reason.” Never mind our landlord gave us the ring of keys to the entire apartment complex in case of an emergency, but there were benefits to having a landlord who didn’t care what we did. “It’s called house-sitting. I know people who get paid for this.”

  Kali gulped down her chocolate. Why it didn’t go straight to her hips was a mystery. She raised her hand. “Oh, oh, I know! Let’s frost cupcakes with dirt, so they think they’re covered in Oreos.”

  No. Cotton balls dipped in chocolate, caramel onions, and worms in Jell-O were our usual signature; they’d see through it. “You think this is Relief Society, Kali?” I rolled the batteries from the guys’ remote control through my fingers, thinking. We needed an insider’s view, and I turned to Tory.

  “Okay.” She took her hands out of her cargo pockets. “It might sound desperate, but what about…a snowball! I’ve been saving it in the freezer for months. It’s crazy, but it just might work.”

  I laughed. “What? You want the cops on us?” Everyone knew snowballs were illegal in Provo. I chewed on my tongue, trying to think of something that wouldn’t land us in the slammer, even for a few hours. “He doesn’t like bad fashion,” I said. “What if we fill his dresser with nineties clothes from DI? It’s his Achilles heel.”

  “Really?” Lizzie’s flip flops smacked against her heels when she pulled away from the window. “I thought you were his Achilles heel.”

  “If that were true, I would’ve used that by now.” I sighed. We could just avoid all this and give Byron the letter, but the request made no sense. No, he had to have something up his slick sleeves. Why would he exchange the cushions for his own threatening letter? I reread it: “We know where you live. We want what belongs to us. Don’t cross us or we’re coming after you.”

  But what did Byron want? We already had our decoders on it, well, Tory. I tried to decipher the message myself, but gave up and raked my hand through my hair. “I don’t get it.” It wasn’t often the hostiles had me stumped. “Maybe we should set up some baby monitors?” I spread the map of the guys’ apartment complex over the empty living room table. Our new headquarters were a mirror image of our living room next door, only everything was bare. It was like being in another dimension.

  “You got a map of the hunk house?” Kali asked. By now she was texting madly, her oversized jewels a blur as her fingers flew over the keys.

  “Bunkhouse,” I corrected.

  “I wouldn’t call it that.”

  “No, you wouldn’t.” My mind kept wandering back to Byron. He said he wanted to be friends. What did he really mean by that? He mentioned having a party during our civil week. Why? I squinted at the map. “Kali? Do you have a calendar?”

  “Nope.” She unwrapped another candy bar.

  “Tory? Tory?” She had wandered off. I was beginning to crack.

  “Wait,” Lizzie said. “I have one. She rummaged through her huge monster of a purse and pulled out a mini calendar. I scanned the end of May. There was nothing there. I tried the beginning of June. Besides being the month of birds and bees and love, and my ex wedding date, and all that, why wouldn’t he want us to ruin it for him with our prank wars? There was the boyfriend-for-a-week coming up, which he didn’t care about. And then…Battle of the Bands. That was next week. His band was performing. Still, we’d never stoop to destroying him publicly. Did he just want the extra time to practice? It seemed so trivial. And then this letter? Why would he want it in return for the cushions? “Lizzie,” I whispered. “Is there anything unusual about this letter?”

  She stretched tiredly. “The paper is normal. The handwriting is foreign. The message is completely cryptic.”

  “They give us a cryptic message…and they don’t want us to figure it out?” I think I was getting somewhere with this. “Well, let’s give them a message that’s just as confusing as theirs.” Kali raised her hand with a jingle of bracelets. We stared at her. She didn’t talk, so I called on her, “Yes?”

  “How about we deliver the love tree?”

  Lizzie sighed. “Well, that would make Sandra happy.” The love tree was an ugly, wilted plant haunting our kitchen. We aptly dubbed it the love tree, since it was dying—just like all our love lives.

  “That’s perfect, Kali,” I said. “We’ll send them a message they’ll never forget. Tomorrow night during ward prayer. Instead of trashing their place, we make their apartment the prettiest thing they have ever seen.”

  Kali giggled. “What? Like a girls’ place?”

  “They already have our pretty little cushions. Let’s just complete the look. Just act casual at ward prayer tomorrow like we’re through with this prank war.” The bishop had moved ward prayer to Tuesdays, which was a brilliant way to ensure we kept the Sabbath. Ward prayer was good for a great many things, distraction being one of them. And then we’d sneak out after announcements and make Byron’s place unrecognizable. I crumpled the paper in my hands solely for the drama of it, plus it made Lizzie’s eyes widen, which was also fun. Then I stuck it in my pocket. “Let’s make a list of demands, shall we? We’ll sign it unsincerely, uncordially, thankfully, not yours, the black hole.” I laughed at their looks of confusion. “Oh, you d
idn’t know? That’s what they call our apartment complex. No one goes in. No one gets taken out.”

  “And then this ends it?” Lizzie asked hopefully.

  I hesitated. The love tree was a terribly stupid campaign, which was why I liked it, but would it really stop Byron? Lizzie was waiting, so I nodded at her. “Yeah, he stops. We stop.”

  Kali jumped up, interrupting Lizzie’s protests. “I know just the stuff to decorate their place with. We need curtains, beautiful curtains…and, and frilly lamps. I hate my lamp. It’s perfect. Oh, and anything pink! And doilies! Yeah!”

  Lizzie’s mouth curled up unwillingly.

  “Hey, wait.” I held up my hands. “Where are we supposed to get all that stuff this late in the game? Doilies? Do any of us own those?”

  “Wait.” Lizzie went through her purse and we all gawked at her. She tugged out band aids, tweezers, books, random pieces of string, a glove, and…a doily? Before I knew it, the girls had left the apartment to collect the most beautiful girly things they could find, laughing and chattering on their way.

  “Don’t forget any ugly stuffed animals you might have!” I called after them. My voice echoed through the empty room. They left the door open behind them and I could see the twilight settling in the soft sky. We were due for some powerful May showers. The clouds hung darkly overhead and for once, I realized just how dark this room could get. Normally, I would turn on the lights, but I was afraid it would alert outsiders to our presence in the abandoned apartment.

  I gathered my things from the table. A soft wind pulled at the door and the hinges creaked. I watched the open door swing lazily back and forth. The sound set my nerves on edge and I worked faster, using the light from the outside porch to see my things. It lit the room in an eerie glow. I was beginning to wonder if using the empty apartment as our headquarters was such a good idea when I became aware of a soft scratching coming from the back of the apartment. I stiffened. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled uncomfortably. I wasn’t alone in here. A normal person would run. A sane person would run. I mean, the ones who didn’t run usually got killed in every movie I had ever seen. I gulped and listened to the scratching get louder. I took a step into the dark hall. “Hello?”